30 Different Types of Stoner – Which Are You?
March 3, 2021
by Ma Raim
Let's clear up an old fallacy: there are all kinds of stoners, and no stoner is exactly like another. Due to overdue progress (or hippie propaganda depending on where you're standing) there are more types of stoner than ever. In fact, way more than grandpa’s old scare ads would have us believe. The old stoner stereotypes are in here, but we've really given this one some thought to be all inclusive. See if you fit into one or more of these roles and tweet us if you feel seen/offended/enlightened! Here are the 30 types of stoner...
Classic Types of Stoner
1) The Green Geek
He's a grower and a shower. This character might be your dealer if you’re buying weed outside Canada. They can tell a Krazy Kush strain from a Grower's Loss by the weight of the bag alone. They’ll tell you all about phoenixtears without a single reference to Harry Potter. They know the price of weed from the weight of a flower. They’re a connoisseur who knows so much about cannabis cultivation it makes you wish you’d paid attention in high school biology.
2) The Friendly Bear
An indica in human form. Usually a guy, often on the softer side, has a real Seth Rogen energy and just makes you smile. They're amiable, funny and never cause drama. That friend you don't see enough as he's gaming but every time he shows up it's a treat.
Related: 8 Ways to Spot a Stoner
3) The Skater
They’re cool without trying and usually bring a stash of weed and are happy to share. You’ll rarely catch this dude sponging dope. Always there with a stoner meme when you need a laugh. He’s probably a graphic design intern who loves to control the music for the sesh. When he’s not smokin’ up he’s at the skate park with other stoner types.
4) The Solo Smoker
“That lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night.” Kid Cudi said it right. For whatever reason this character’s happier smoking up alone and bopping away to their own tune in life. They control what gets watched, eaten, the schedule, how heavy the sesh will be and who makes the invite list.
5) The Artist
Ranging from cool and charismatic to pretentious and exhausting, this brand of stoner doesn’t really seem like a pothead. It’s not a major facet of their personality. They’re probably microdosing mushrooms for clarity and inspiration. They usually stick to sativa strains to get in a creative mood and design, write or film something awesome.
6) The Noob
Beginners take it all a little too seriously while trying to look casual. This character’s uncertain with the lighter, checks to see if anyone’s watching while they smoke and may burn themselves after a few failed attempts on a bong. They take smaller, uncertain puffs and their posture’s a little stiff. We’ve all been through this phase if we chose to keep smoking weed. After those few virgin puffs they may even transition to…
7) The Twitch
Twitchy, jumping at passing cars, eyes a little too wide for comfort… that’s a paranoid stoner right there. Get them a glass of water and a chill place to sit. Let them know it’ll pass. Put on some chill music or a film/TV show without too many plot twists. Something light that they’ve seen before; a sitcom or an animated show. They’ll be fine.
8) The Deep Soul
A lot of conspiracy theorists fall into this category. After a few tokes this one’s inner philosopher comes out. They want to talk about how we got here, where we’re going, how we’ll get there and what it all means. Roll them a joint and put them under a starry sky for maximum effect.
9) The Slacker
"Yeah, well that's just like...your opinion, man." He's what everyone who doesn't smoke weed thinks you are. But just because it's a cliché, doesn't mean they're not out there. Ranging from the eternally unemployed to the guy who works just enough to keep from getting fired while spending most of his day on Youtube and taking coffee breaks. A chill guy; fun to be around but useless in a crisis. The Dude made real.
10) The Old Hippie
If they have a friendly nature, colourful duds and hair past their shoulders, you’ve got an aging hippie on your hands. Oh, and they’re always, always high. The original stoner stereotype! Their sweet and accepting character may belie the sharp mind beneath, but their focus will often leave a little to be desired. With their mind in so many worlds at once, it’s no wonder these old tokers drift off onto tangents from time to time.
11) The Sponge
AKA the Green Goblin or the Mooch. You know this guy. He’s always down to hang out but is also down to his last dollar. He says he’ll come just to hang out and the first few times he was allowed a spot in the circle because stoners are generous by nature. But now it’s been a while and there’s a pattern emerging. He swears he’s looking for a job but in the meantime is happy to smoke from your stash.
12) The Film Buff
These are crafty. You think they're just a lover of cinema until they drop the line, "You've gotta watch it high, you'll love it." These stoners usually have an encyclopedic knowledge of film given they've put in their 10,000 hours and watched each one blazed to the nines, analysing every detail and story element on another level.
Related: The 5 Best Movies to Watch High
13) The Conspiracy Theorist
“I think this is clear evidence of a high-level government conspiracy.” If these words have passed your lips before, you may be this kind of stoner. These smokers spend a lot of late nights in the glow of their computer screens, and a haze of weed smoke, poring over the deepest pages on the web (or dark web) for titbits of information that will lead them to absolute truth.
The conspiracy theorist wants you to open your mind to myths, aliens, big tech, mental conditioning, mythical creatures, government masterplans, the deep state and what you’re really putting into your body. Their overzealous fervour to share the understanding they’ve gleaned can stop them being taken seriously, but they research like a pre-med student the night before finals. Truth seeking certainly has its place as long as you don’t lose yourself along the way.
14) The Wannabe Gangsta
Wagwan? One love. Aight. You know this guy. He's not a gangster but considers himself an outlaw as he's down with weed and loves his rap. He always wears a snapback. He's whiter than a bed sheet in a Tide commercial. He may range from fun to cringe to belligerent. He's got to shoot off though or his mum will lock him out. Later, my brother.
15) The Rastafarian
The real deal. This person is probably everything the wannabe wants to be though he has no idea why. Rastafarians use cannabis (ganja) as a path to wisdom, to aid in meditation and to use as a sacrament. The plant holds a special place within their religion and its use isn't considered recreational.
16) The Stoner Chick
She’s cool, she smokes. The stoner chick is the type who is usually chilled, smart and fits in with any group. She knows what she’s about, is fiercely independent and doesn’t play up the fact that she smokes; never devolving into…
Niche Types of Stoner
17) The Cringefest
This one is a bit of the beginner but with less self-awareness. It could be your friend’s annoying girlfriend or some guy at the party who floated over to mooch some weed off you. Either way, they either aren’t on a level and don’t click with the group’s humour, or worse, they play up how stoned they are and try to be the centre of attention. They’re loud, lack etiquette and are usually just cringey. They mix up their "one loves" with their "live, laugh, loves" like you wouldn't believe.
18) The Pusher
"Have you even tried it? It's only a plant, it can't hurt you." He knows it would take 10,000 joints worth of THC to poison you, and boy is he going to share that fact with people who didn't ask. The Pusher has a deep need for everyone to love weed as much as them. Even if they live in a place where cannabis is legal, it's still their life's work to convert people to the worship of weed with the wide-eyed intensity of a Jehovah's Witness.
19) The Tired Parent
"Why's daddy always in the garage?" After a long day of parenting they hit a THC vape or sneak off to wherever they keep a stash of pre-rolled joints. They always say they're going to quit when the kid stops teething/starts preschool/graduates high school/puts them in a home. It's tough being a modern parent and sometimes you just gotta take the edge off.
20) The Rich Kid Who's Above It
She'll bum a joint but look at you like she wishes you'd die in between passes. He buys an ounce of weed to take the edge off the big swim meet. They brag about how their parents let them smoke because it's like whatever but the truth is their parents are actually always at the club or on a flight to Cancun. They'll either buy marijuana for all or transfer you later because they only carry a MasterCard.
21) The Masterchef
If cannabis can go in the meal, it's going in the meal. The Masterchef is the type of stoner who has a fridge full of canna butter and are either knocking up edibles or mountains of food in the best/worst combinations only the baked brain can perceive. When they're not in the kitchen they're wide eyed and catching flies watching Binging with Babish or Deep Fried Masters.
Related: Cannabis and Your Appetite
22) The Coworker Named Greg
Okay, they don't have to be named Greg. Amiable, snacky, always takes his vape break at 4.20pm. He's got a lot of out-there ideas about love and brotherhood and brings them up during the Monday briefing. Get him talking about weed and he'll light up. Outside work he's probably an amalgamation of a few of the other types in this list.
New Age Types of Stoners
23) The Tap
This guy always wants to turn it up to eleven. They’re fun in small doses… but they don’t believe in small doses. A big fan of concentrates, he’s always ready for another dab or hitting more edibles. He’ll smoke hash, shake or premium bud, it doesn’t matter; he’s never not high. He truly wants to test himself and bust through to the other side of reality. Online dispensaries have made it so this dude only has to sit, dab and play Xbox – simultaneously never present while never leaving his room.
24) The Gadget Man
The stoner who always has a new vape and binges YouTube videos on the latest in bong technology. While you're hanging out he'll pull out a pair of vapes like he's the Clint Eastwood of getting monged. While everyone else is chatting he'll be beeping, pressing buttons, locking and loading up his new vanilla-chocolate-lavender-cherry-pie-crust vape cartridge with all the suave of a party magician.
25) The Convert Due to a Pandemic
These types of stoners have been popping up in the last two years. You turned from a casual smoker into a full-blown stoner due to the sudden onset of a pandemic. We feel you. It’s been a rough time and sometimes you need to take the edge off. Do what you need to do to get through lockdown and keep it fun. This time will pass.
26) The Modern Hippie
She says spiritual a lot. She'll read your tarot cards and make you feel all warm inside. Her beliefs are a little vague but she's lovely. There are mandalas all over her home and she longs to be outdoors as much as possible. Dreads, yoga, shaving all optional. They don't push their beliefs on anyone and have a live and let live philosophy.
27) The Cool Couple
See The Slacker x 2. They're late to every party, or they flake altogether. They're either cool or "cool," varying couple to couple. One will always tempt the other into smoking after a tough day, a long day, or just a Wednesday. At the younger end, weed is an inextricable part of their blossoming love; on the older side, it's a rediscovery of youthful rebellion, warmly wrapped in nostalgia.
28) The Boomer
They're hip. They're happening. It makes them sleepy. The Boomer is an elder type who doesn't identify as a stoner. One day they decide it might be a neat kick to head out to the marijuana store and try a reefer cigarette. Or better yet, ask their college-age kid if they can steal from their stash. They wouldn't tell their country club friends for fear of being shunned but will tell any youthful person who'll listen with a conspiratorial wink. They wouldn't see the irony in Reverend Lovejoy's quote: "Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral."
29) The Engineer
Give this dude 10 minutes in your kitchen and he’ll be bent over a counter, creative mind in play, turning a vase, some tape, foil and a tea strainer into a functional pipe. You can almost picture a door with a “Genius at Work” sign hanging off it as the mad scientist works his magic. He can also do it with fruit, drink cans, whatever you want to test him with he’ll take a crack at it. They're headed for greatness.
30) The Medicinal User
These come in all shapes and sizes. Medical marijuana takes the edge off for a lot of people, whether they’re experiencing mild symptoms all the way up to chronic and terminal conditions. Kind of a bummer to round out a light article but we salute anyone who’s found weed helpful/fun/necessary. We hope it keeps helping and that more people discover the medicinal benefits of cannabis as time goes on.
Bonus Stoner Type 31) The Blogger
He’s high. He’s thinking too deeply about the nature of humanity. He thinks he can deconstruct who you are into a single stereotypical category when what we need to realize is no one is a perfect fit for any box. We’re all individuals and shouldn’t feel the need to categorize ourselves when we absolutely relate to more than one type of stoner.
Which Type of Stoner are You?
There you have it: the 31 types of stoner. When we’re allowed back to music festivals, see if you can find one of each. Tweet us which kind of stoner you are! Or if you fall into more than one category. Maybe there’s an obvious one we’ve left out. If you’re looking to buy some weed in Canada, we’ll be glad to oblige. We have ounces of bud on sale every week and a new referral program for additional savings. Welcome to HotGrass!
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